The big issue. Apparently, for me the big issue is accepting love and not using food to as substitute. That’s my complex little enigma to unravel this year.
This isn’t a story that I expect to interest anyone particularly. Honestly, it’s just a me thing. But being here, in this bloggy space, is very therapeutic and allows me insight that I might not otherwise arrive at. (Or perhaps it would just take a lot longer.) For some reason, as the words are busy flowing out of my fingers, my brain and intuition kick in and things just make better sense.
Very quick recap. Last week I had to get weighed for a medical procedure. And it seems that since the last time I remember weighing myself (just before giving birth to my almost 19 year old) I have put on about 20kgs. Now, the fact that I hadn’t weighted myself in so very long immediately scream that I may have had an issue or two. But alas today I actually feel happier in my body than I ever have – bizarrely. I guess age softens you and brings healing and understanding.
But that said, with a dickie knee (bone rubbing bone) from an injury in my late teens and the accompanying issues that’s causing in the opposite foot – I have to hear the voice a reason telling me it’s time to address those 20 kgs (and probably a little more). Unless of course I want a knee replacement in my 50s. And that’s before we even begin to talk about any other impending health related issues that could arise due to being overweight.
So, yesterday, thanks to my employees generous EAP progam I saw a psychologist and today I am meeting with a nutritionist. I’ve decided if I am going to do this thing, I am going to do it right and deal with any lingering head noise or outdated thinking that’s still meandering around in my brain. Although I actually think I’m in a pretty good head space these days, I just know this is the best way to tackle this thing.
And what I feel it all boils down to is this. Over many years I’ve learned to use food as nurture and love. As a person I struggle to allow myself to connect to others deeply enough to provide the nurture we need as human beings. As the phycologist told me yesterday “humans are built for connection and if we don’t get it there is a vacuum inside us that must be filled”. It seems I chose to fill my little old vacuum with food. How I love to sit and eat. The peace and contentment food has brought me over the years (even if only for a short while) has been magnificent.
I can see lots of little snippets in my storyline as to why this happened. I feel that as a child my wonderful (but oh so practical) mum used food for reward and I attached some special magicless to it. Food treats were far and few between but when they came, they lifted life to an entirely new place. Then when my sister passed away in my teenage years, I may have dulled the trauma and pain with food – which was suddenly in abundance thanks to the support of the little country town I grew up in. Food began to provide such a solid and dependable way to find contentment. I guess I didn’t really need to learn to extend myself to find that in being connected to others. People are just so unpredictable and the rejection so real. Food on the other hand – that’s dependable comfort!
Unsurprisingly I married a slightly neurodivergent male who has a very different style of connection to me. A good man – but not one who was ever going to fight for the type of connection I needed to heal my life. And so food stood in and filled that gap. And let’s be honest here, in a way I’m actually grateful I had something that worked so well for me. I know that’s not politically correct or particularly healthy. But food has gotten me thru 54 years of life’s ups and downs. Through the loss, illness and the general drama of life on this earth. I can’t be too sad about that.
But now it’s time to address this weighty issue (hee hee). To use my growth and understanding, along with some professional help, so that I can be live the next chapter of my life in good health and with sound knees and feet. I’m sure it’s not going to be easy – in fact I’m sure it won’t always be. But alas, life is more than ice-cream and lattes!
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